A holiday wish for middle aged males

by TJ Barranger
 

Dear Krampus,

While Santa Claus garners most of the attention this time of year, I felt compelled to write this letter to thank you for providing balance to the universe, and to ask you for your intervention on behalf of embittered, cynical middle-aged men around the world. Every year, we eagerly anticipate your triumphant arrival on the eve of the feast of St. Nicholas to administer swift and merciful justice upon the wicked. For me and for millions like myself, you embody the true spirit of Christmas.

What follows in this missive is a non-comprehensive list, in no particular order, of naughty individuals who have been identified as particularly deserving of retribution at your most righteous hand. In a gesture of mercy, charity, and goodwill befitting the holiday season, I ask only for a punishment of modest severity to befall these individuals; 20-30 lashes across the yoke with a birch switch should be adequate.

Please punish the following offenders, including, but not limited to:

• The barista who spells my name wrong on my coffee cup
• People who turn left from the righthand lane
• Whoever is responsible for 6-7
• Vegans
• My younger brother (who is 45 but could stand to be taught a lesson)
• People who put up their Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving
• Design clients who request that the designer “make it pop.”
• The branding team that ruined Cracker Barrel
• People who carry fifteen items to the ten-items-or-less register
• Fast food clerks who request tips via tablet
• Whoever invented digital high-hat
• Taylor Swift
• Grandmothers who put raisins in chocolate chip cookies
• The entire staff of the Department of Motor Vehicles
• People who don’t rinse their dishes before putting them in the dishwasher
• Congress
• Any kids who walk on my lawn
• Anyone named Chad
• Subaru owners
• Ryan Reynolds
• People who camp outside retail stores at 3 a.m. on Black Friday
• Golfers who don’t replace their fairway divots
• Anyone who has ever ordered a steak well done.
• The Los Angeles Dodgers
• Whoever was supposed to fix the ice cream machine at McDonald’s
• Human Resources
• People who put costumes on their dogs
• Grown-ass adults who go to the airport in their pajamas
• People who squeeze the toothpaste in the middle
• That one guy driving 50 mph in the passing lane during morning rush
• Any manager who uses the term “paradigm shift”
• The French
• Everyone on TikTok
• Straight men who use beard oil
• People who talk out loud in movie theaters
• Parents who make their kids wear helmets to play soccer
• Karens who ask to speak to the manager
• K-Pop bands
• People who like Wheel of Fortune better than Jeopardy
• The cast of Jersey Shore
• The board of every homeowners association in America
• Food critics
• Men wearing vests and snap brim caps who aren’t also blacksmiths or chimney sweeps

Thank you once again for spreading holiday joy and vindication to middle-aged males everywhere. If you can see it in your heart to fulfill my Christmas wish, I promise to do my best to refrain from complaining out loud about the aforementioned individuals for the remainder of the calendar year.

Sincerely, Your Biggest Fan,

TJB

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TJ Barranger is the owner/proprietor of TJB Creative, a boutique branding agency in Baltimore County specializing in identity systems for small businesses.